i've been gone gone gone, been gone so long

i lost my mind.

it's true.

it's funny now but it wasn't funny about 3 weeks ago.

several months ago kalden began to wake up at night every single hour. before that there had been stretches of a few hours, maybe but then one day it became EVERY SINGLE HOUR. and on a really bad night he woke up every 45 minutes.

people didn't believe me. people told me he must be sick. people thought it was funny. (those people are dead now). i honestly started to become sick. i think my body thought that i was dying. i gained weight, cried all the time and yelled at my husband every day. there is a real reason that sleep deprivation is used as torture.

and kalden was miserable. he was cranky every second of the day and rightfully so - he was TIRED!

it got to the point where i took kalden to the doctor and just by my appearance, the doctor took me seriously. he said "this is NOT normal." i could have kissed him. he referred me to a pediatrician that he said could help me. but he said he could see no physical reason causing the lack of sleep. he could aslo see that even though kalden had just woken up from his nap, that he was tired.

so that night out of sheer frustration, i nursed kalden, patted his bum and then put him in his pack and play and i left the room. let me say this. i do not believe in "cry it out" methods. i think that babies cry for a reason and as a parent it's our job to respond.

however, after 11 months of no sleep and on the verge of a complete nervous breakdown i honestly had no choice. in his whole life, kalden has never slept on his own, never played by himself, never self soothed. and after 11 months it was time.

so he cried. it was more like protesting than crying and it last about 20 minutes. then 45 minutes later he woke up and cried again for a few minutes. then he SLEPT. for HOURS. he woke up at 2 and made some noise and then slept until morning.

since then, he has gone to bed at 8:00pm every night without a peep and he has slept until morning. it's like i've been reborn. i love sleep.

i think we timed it very well because during all this kalden was learning to walk and i've heard and read from a few sources that babies start sleeping better once they learn to walk. maybe that helped. all i know is that my son is like a new child. he's happy and playful and EVERYONE has noticed the difference.

and i have started excercising and wearing makeup and buying new clothes... i have a lot on my plate but i now i think i can actually handle it.

so i'm back.